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Thursday, November 11, 2010

Depression Is a Bitch....

Soooo..... It's been a lil while since I've written. Been crazy busy with a buncha shit. The kids have their same academic and athletic schedules. We've transitioned from basketball to football, and are on the way back to basketball. Work is still the same. Niggas don't know what da fuck they doin and are drivin me up da damn wall. Gargamel, while tryna turn things around, is still a muthafukkin crazy bitch. My pa passed......Dat was pretty fukked up. But got through it. I'm always finding ways to keep my ass busy.

Despite those things, that keep me either running all over the city or tryna find a bar where I can get my head cleared, I've fallen into the most fukked up depression a nukka could ask for. It's taken me this long to write about it. The shit is crazy! I struggle to get outta bed each day. It's a chore to put on a smile for my kids. I go through crying fits and mood swings. The slightest shit can set a nigga off. I was some shit on YouTube the other day and stumbled on Fantasia singing "I'm Here" from the Color Purple, on the Tony Awards. Bitch screamed the roof off in a ballroom dress, hiked her shit up and walked off the stage crying. Next thing you know, I was ballin, and rewindin and cryin up some more shit.

I used to really look at people claiming to be depressed with a judgemental eye. But having experienced this shit head on, I get it. In the church we just say, "It's a spirit. Just pray!" Nah.....it's chemical imbalance that is caused by some fukked up shit in your life or mind that jacks up every day if you don't have the ability to fight it. I don't judge people who struggle with this. My ass has some spiritual beliefs to hang on to, a damn good shrink, some bomb ass meds, AND some of the best greenery in the area at my disposal. AND A NIGGA IS STILL FUCKED UP. Yeah, I'm not hatin anyone for being where you are in your state of mind.

Needless to say, a brutha is on his way back up. Everyday is still a muthafukkin struggle. But I make shit happen. I put on that "I'm happy about life face" for myself and my kids. I support them in all of their activities. They give me life. I make every effort to get along with Gargamel's dumb ass. When she does somethin stupid, I'm usually already high, and the shit doesn't even matter. I get up everyday and get on my grind. I'm determined that this shit isn't gonna beat me. I'll deal with one day and one issue at a time. Not ready to deal with dad yet. Not ready to be lovey dovey with Gargamel. Not ready to take on everything at the same time. But this I do know.....depression is a bitch. But I'm gonna fuck da shyt outta her.