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Friday, December 31, 2010

A Year To Remember........Places to Let Go....

Tonight is it..........New Year's Eve.

People all around the world are celebrating the start of a new year.  Some nations have already begun the celebration.  Various people throughout the states are getting ready to watch the ball drop, give birth to a New Year's baby, say "I do" to the love of their lives, or shout at Holiness Pentacostal Church of the Lord's Disciples in Christ African Methodist Episcopal Church of God in Christ.

Either way, it's time to bring in the New Year.

I'm excited about the possibilities that await me in 2011, but I am compelled to remember all of the events, experiences, successes, and failures of this year.  It has been a year to remember, often taking me to places I would love to forget.  I have to remember all of the things that I experienced, whether good or bad, in order to grow and learn.  At the same time, I have made a decision to let go of the place that I allowed myself to end up emotionally, mentally, spiritually.......

After all, the messes in my life all led to experiences and people that I want to carry with me into the next year.

My life with Gargamel pushed me to a place of lonliness that I had never experienced before. But I ended up meeting Immanuel, who convinced me to create a blog.  Never before have I been so free to express who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming.  Blogging led to connection with folks like Cogito, Josh, Flowers, Caesar, Raw Leather Daddy, and Annonymous (my Raleigh brotha from another motha).

I have learned so many things about myself this year:

I can go for SMALL extended periods without my meds or green (not gonna do that shit on the regular) without hangin a muufukka from a tree.

I have people in my life who are experiencing the same shit and have wisdom to strengthen and encourage me.

I CAN experience love and compassion from folks without pushing them away for fear of trusting and letting them in.
I'm Stronger....

Depression doesn't have to own me.  I can manage it while I'm on the way to whuppin his ASS!!

Finally, I learned that I'm a halfway decent dad.  I have three beautiful children that love me as much as I adore them.  And despite my past, and current shit, I have managed to somehow do right by them.  And maybe I AM a good dad, despite what Gargamel thinks.





All in all, it's been a year of ups and downs.  Some things pretty good, others pretty fukked up.  But every success, every trial, every experience has made me stronger.  Not sure what 2011 will look like, but I'll be ready.  Because I am remember the year I went through, but letting go of the places that won't benefit me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Christmas Vacation....Part 6

Ten days..........

Ten days of attitude and fussing about dumb shit.

Ten days of eating leftovers and having to pretend that I want more.

Ten days of having to take my kids out of the house because Gargamel ALWAYS seems to have a damn cycle.

Ten days of limited rum/vodka, because Gargamom-in-law wants to judge me because I'm a preacher.

Ten days WITHOUT any green.

Ten days WITHOUT any meds.






 Ten days WITHOUT any ass.





Ten days WITHOUT any dick.


Ten days WITHOUT any pussy.








Ten days of having to hold my tongue, calm my nerves, and act like I not tryna hang a muufukka from a damn tree down here on RedNeck Ave.

Ten days bout to be da fukk over.

Flight takes off at 7am.

Cogito, Josh, Flowers, Caesar, and everyone else........Thanks for gettin me thru.

See ya'll when I get off the plane, get home, take da bags out da truck, get some chicken wings and some pringles, roll a phatty, pour a Belvedere and Cran, and watch Will n Grace.


Later!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas Vacation....Part 5




Christmas Day started out the same way it always does.  The kids got up excited, ready to open all of their gifts that Daddy and Garga-claus  had left for them.  Of course, my boys are fully aware that Santa Claus looks like me.  And they play the roll for their mother, so she can still pretend that they are toddlers.  My daughter, on the other hand, is really into the Santa 'thing'.  I love it.  Watching her set cookies out and rush off to bed, unable to fall asleep within any decent amount of time.  Wrapping last minute gifts and putting together toys and shit to leave under the tree.

My kids also know the true reason we celebrate Christmas.  They are very much involved in my church and know that we celebrate the birth of Christ, and that all off the extra stuff is just......extra.

So, after breakfast, gifts, and eventually, dinner, it was time for me to take the boys to one of their gifts.  I knew that the Denver Nuggets would be playing the Oklahoma City Thunder on Christmas Day and had contacted an old childhood friend from the the Nuggets, Anthony Carter.


Anthony and I grew up together.  I'm a couple of years older than him.  Our families are very tight.  As a result, we have always kept in contact and I have followed and supported his career.  Great bruh.  Nothing romantic.  Just great friends.  Whenever I know that he is playing, if I'm in town or on the road, I try to go.  We usually grab dinner later or something.  He is always making arrangements for me to bring the boys to games, sending them a bunch of NBA shit, or just helping me to score tickets for other games.  Anthony knows everyone in the league.

So the Nuggets were to play the Oklahoma City Thunder on Christmas night.  I called Anthony and told him that I would be in Dallas.  "Come through.  I got you." he said.  No problem.  Oklahoma City was only a 2 hour drive.  I knew the boys would want to go, and I purchased the tix.  So, we made our way to Oklahoma City. I took Gargamel's dad along with us.  No need of him having to stay home and listen to her AND  her mother.

We arrived at the hotel where the Nuggets were staying just in time to see the players boarding the bus to head over to the Oklahoma City Arena for the game.  I gave Anthony a quick dap.  He looked focused, and I didn't want to get into too much small talk before he had to play.  He had someone give me parking passes and better tickets.  No longer needed the seats we had (although they were pretty decent).  We arrived at the arena, got to our courtside seats (right behind the Nuggets bench), and I watched my boys have the time of their lives, as they always do when we go to these kind of events.  Anthony introduced the boys to everyone on the team during warmups.  They all came over and spoke to the boys, signed their jerseys, and spoke to me.  I'm not a Nuggets fan, but I AM a fan of Center, Kenyon Martin.  Not the greatest player.  He has had his great moments.  But that read ass nukka is fine.  So of course, I'm cheering my ass off for the Nuggets and droolin over his cute ass.  But I digress.




Needless to say, the boys had a great time at the game.  Anthony knows the players from the OKC Thunder, and got them to come out after the game to meet my boys.  They took pics with everyone, Kevin Durrant, Daequan Cook (another cutie), and some of the others.  They got autographs, and a bunch of shit for the sister that I knew she would enjoy.





We drove back to Dallas.  The boys and their grandfather were all extremely tired and slept all the way back.  Got back, put the boys to bed, and started studying for my sermon in the morning....and here she comes.  Gargamel decided that she would do her best to ensure that something would pop off.

Turns out, the bitch was offended that I didn't invite her to go have some male bonding time with us.  She is a basketball fan.  But shit, I have taken her spoiled, selfish ass all over the country so that she can see and lust after her favorite players.  Fuck the bull.  I wanted some time with my boys.  The gift was for them, not her nosey, self-centered, greedy ass.  Gargamel proceeded to fuss and cuss at me for an hour, while I acted as if she wasn't alive.  I continued to study, research and write my sermon.

After about 2am, she decided to leave me alone and go to bed, leaving me to work (which I did for another hour).  At about 315am, I went to bed.  Got up this morning and went to preach.

I'm irritated, tired, and disgusted.  But I know I only have a few days left.  My focus is now pointed toward getting through this trip.  To date, my kids have had a blast.  They got what they wanted for Christmas, and I have not ended up on the news.  Brian, my buddy from the other night just called and informed me that he has some much needed Green for me.  I'm gonna get a nap and then go get treed.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Vacation.....Part 4

A bit of a rough spell right now.  As I struggle with the fact that several parts of my life at times seem to be pretty fucked up, I understand that I am quite blessed to have other things that bring me so much happiness and satisfaction.  While my marriage has gone completely downhill, I have three beautiful children from my relationship with Gargamel.  While I'm stuck down here in Klannsville, I'm forced to endure periodic fights with her and pretend to want to see everyone in her family.  But, I'm enjoying the quality time that I am spending with my youngins.

After all of the running around, wrapping shit, spending money I don't have, arguing with Gargamel, and not having  J to smoke for my nerves, I finally had some time to sit and think.....NOT A GOOD MOVE.



Today, on the evening before Christmas, it just occured to me that this will be the first one without my father.  I'm not sure how I feel.  We didn't always get along.  Didn't always see eye to eye.  But he was my father.  He taught me to be the man I am today.  He taught me through his successes how to make good decisions.  And I learned by watching his failures what not to do.

I'm juggling around a bunch of feelings.  I miss him.  He would have been leaning on my last fukkin nerve tonight.  But I miss him.  He'd prolly be somewhere in his house fucked up.  But I miss him.  When I look at my sons, I miss him.  When I look in the mirror, I miss him.  I so desperately need to ask him what to do now, with my life, my relationships, my career.  I need him here in the US.  I'm glad I was blessed to have him. 

Now, I just need to roll a phatty and deal with all of these feelings.  My nerves are shot, I need a drink, some ass, and a phat dick. Gotta get my mind right so I can eat these fukkin cookies, drink this milk, and have a blast tomorrow with three of papa's grandbabies.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christmas Vacation.....Part 3 (Leave Me Da Fukk Alone.....)

So here I am, away from my home, across the country, getting ready to "enjoy" the holidays with Gargamel's family.  The closer we get to Christmas, the more we are receiving visitors who are coming by to say hello, see the kids, and just be nosey...How are the kids?  Has Gargamel gotten fat?  Are we doing well (still together)?  Am I preaching Sunday?  The usual shit that folks seek out when you come in from outta town. 

I have been chillin with the kids and enjoying them.  My mornings start very early with a trip to the gym and a light breakfast.  By the time I get back to the house, everyone is usually trying to get up and get the day started.  Afterwards, I spend the day between the kids and the mall, Christmas shopping. 

Last night, a buddy of mine (that I met through Gargamel, when we were dating), Brian, scooped me up for drinks.  We went to a local sports bar and met up with about five other bruthas that I know from all of my trips here (they all went to school together).  Now, I'm tryna work with people and be halfway considerate and respectful.  I told Gargamel's ass during the day that I would be hanging with Brian, IF there were no plans or places that the family needed to be.  "Ok.  Tell everyone I said hey." she said.  We went out for a few hours. 



Left early.  I made sure that I drove, as I didn't want to seem disrespectful to my in-laws, coming in at a ridiculous hour.  Had a blast, catching up and cuttin up.  I left those loud as drunk muufukkas there so I could get back at a decent time.  Plus, I didn't want my blood alcohol level to be so fukkin high that my ass would be in some kinda trouble.  Got in around 1030.  Everyone (except the kids), were still downstairs. 

I came in, sat down, and made small talk with everyone, until we all decided to turn in.  Get to the bedroom, get changed for bed.  All of a sudden, Gargamel wants to argue.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???  Check this.
"I have had to shop for the last few hours with my mother for Christmas gifts for grandma, my sis, and dad.  And you're out drinking.  I'm extremely tired, but at least you had a fukkin good time!"   BITCH, IT'S YOUR FAMILY!!!  IT'S YO MOM, GRANDMA, AND POPS!!  I took care of all of my folks before we left with no complaints.  Everything I'm giving, I bought and shipped it here before we got here.  I'm not stressing.  Further, I've been entertaining children (which I loved doing) all day.  Took them to the gym, the park, the movies.  Played games.  Took them shopping for YOUR BLACK, STUPID, WHINEY ASS, YO MOMMA, PAPA, and SISTER!!  GET DA FUCK OUTTA MY FACE!!! 

All of that shit was written on my face, as I layed down, acted as if I heard nothing, and said nothing.  Now I am fully prepared to ignore her silly ass for as long as possible.  But keep in mind.......I've been here four days.  I haven't had a drink until last night.  I haven't smoked, AND I left my meds at home.  And THAT combination has become my medicinal cocktail.  A nigga is doin the best he can, since I'm in LYNCHVILLE.  But da bitch betta get da fuck off of da one nerve I brought here.

Cogito, Josh, Flowers, Annonymous, Toy Couture........WHERE DA FUKK ARE YA'LL?  And if any of you are in Dallas, can a nigga get some smoke?  I'm gonna try to go to sleep.  Shit.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Christmas Vacation.....Part 2

Okay.......gonna be brief.  A bit tired from all of the running through the airport and greeting all of the folks that just found out that we've arrived in Dallas.  The flight here was uneventful.  My kids are used to traveling, so of course, there were no issues with retarded shit on the plane.  In fact, my two boys seemed more irritated that there were other children and.....folks on the plane goin through a bunch of ignorant shit.  You know.....screamin babies;  7 year olds with mom's titty in their mouths to keep them quiet on the flight;  folks with small, loud ass dogs;  dumb ass people who think it's okay to take shoes AND socks off on the plane;  that ignorant muufukka who wants to talk the ENTIRE flight.  Other than that shit, no issues.

We arrived in Dallas, went to Gargamel's family's home, had dinner, and received about 12 folks who were more excited about seeing her and the kids.  I just came downstairs and gave the standard, obligated smiles, hugs, and kisses.  Finally, dinner is served, and it's time for bed.  Everyone is tucked in.  Great.  I'm ready for bed. 

Problem.....since Gargamel hasn't really come clean with her folks, we are in the same room.  Not that big a deal, as we are in a room with two twin beds put together.  So the door is closed and we are each on separate beds.  Nobody wants to be da muufukka that slips down the middle of the two beds.  PERFECT!!  Works for me.  The question is.......Does the change in location, or difference in time zones mean that we are supposed to be fuckin?  WTF???????

I woke up to the tune of Gargamel pressed against my back, breathing in my ear, and strokin my dick.  Did I miss somethin?  We fukkin barely speak, function in separate parts of the house, and try our best not to damn near kill each other on a daily basis.  And now, you tryna fuck????  REALLY???????  I'm confused as shyt!  Needless to say, a nigga couldn't do it.  I layed there for a while, dick lifeless.  Pretended to snore.  Bitch still didn't get it.  Gargamel started kissin me on my neck.  AWWWWW FUKK NO...... 

I had to go into operation "Hell No".  Popped out the bed to go take a piss.  Went downstairs to watch tv with my father-in-law, who I knew would be there at 2am.  Chatted with him for a few.  Eventually, I went back upstairs to the room to try and lay down again.  Gargamel was sitting up in the bed, in the dark.  "I tried" was what she managed to say.  I said nothing.  Made a U turn, and came back downstairs, where I am now. 


Question.....Why do women think that a FUCK fixes everything????  You can't fix years of shit with a kiss on the neck and some fucked up slow neck.  If I wanna fuck, I'll make other arrangements.  Thanks.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Christmas Vacation.....Part 1

So this is going to be an interesting holiday season.  Things at home haven't changed.  I stay to myself and focus on my youngins.  This time of year is especially interesting, because we are usually together, whether it is home, with my family or with Gargamel's.  Now I'm quite used to having to pretend that everything is fine when it isn't.  That's what couples often do.  Company comes over, and you don't want everyone to know your shit, so you put on a happy face.  In-laws come to visit, and you would rather not have them in your business, so you pretend to like each other for a while.  I'm used to the ridiculous shit that couples to for the sake of extending the belief amongst everyone that their relationship is still the best thing going.  Gargamel and I have always been viewed as the power couple amongst our families and friends.  But over the last year and a half, the realization that we got shit too has smacked folks in the face.  I think it affects her more than it does me, because my focus has been my kids and my sanity.  Nobody to impress.


But this Christmas will be interesting.  We are spending 10 days in Dallas, with Gargamel's family.  Funny thing is......they don't really know what has been goin on.  Now her dad has some idea that we haven't necessarily "gotten along" lately.  When he came to visit last summer, I was in Detroit at the AAU tournament with my younger son ('There She Goes Again...' - July 19 post).  Upon our return, it was clear that she had given her father her version of where things stood.  My father-in-law decided to leave a 'heart-felt' letter for me about how he hoped our marriage didn't end up looking like his........Go figure.  So I know that she probably poured his head with a bunch of complaints about how much of a shitty husband I am.  Oh well.  But what she didn't know is that her father always talks to me about the realization that Gargamel is the mirror image of her mother, and he understands what I'm going through.






So, having said that, I'm not quite sure what to expect when we arrive.  As I sit here in the airport (next to Garg) typing away, I wonder what kind of productions she will put on.







How will Gargamel-in-law act towards me?






Will I end up having to show off one good time to get everyone right on together?  We'll see.  I know this.....I'm planning on having a great time with my kids, getting some rest, and hanging out with some folks that I know down this way.  But I'll be keeping you posted.  Anyway, time to board the plane....

Saturday, December 18, 2010

What a Gift.....

With the holidays approaching, and the fact that I knew I would be on the road for a few weeks, I decided that I needed to see Stephen one more time before things really got busy.  He had been on his grind, makin all the money he possibly could and traveling all over the place.  I was doing the same thing, chasing the kids around, and fighting with Gargamel between school concerts, basketball games, and work.  I figured, 'Hell, I need a release.'

I gave Stephen a call, hoping he would have time to chill with me.  I can't tell you how excited I got when dat nukka told me, "Just gimme a time, and we will make it work.  I always have time for you boi."  Shyt!  By the time he finished dat sentence, my ass was knockin on the door like 10 yr old trick or treating.  Stephen opened the door in a pair of jeans.  No shirt.  Wearing nothing else but a big ass smile.  "Hey handsome."  I love the way he says that.

He looked so fukkin delicious....I didn't even think to go through all of the formalities of greeting, and initiating small talk.  All of the shit that I was taught to do.  I jumped right on dat nukka's neck, kissing him and pinching his nipples, hands all over his body.  I love kissing Stephen.  I love the way his voice sounds off a gutteral moan when he likes what I'm doing.  I kissed him until that phat pipe was pokin me in my stomach.

"I'm gonna get a shower.  Go make you a drink." Not a problem.  I went into the kitchen, pushed all of the protein shakes and bodybuilding supplements out of the way and found some vodka, made myself a drink and headed to Stephen's bedroom.  I sat on the edge of the bed and sipped on my vodka on the rocks.  A few moments later, my boi walks in slightly covered in water, and sits in front of me between my legs. I started kissing him on his back and rubbing my hands all over him.  Again, vocal approval.  Before I knew it, we were laid up on his bed, kissing, legs locked together, grinding and groping each other.

I was so desperate for him tonight that I forced him on his back, and started licking on his hard nipples.  Stephen's massive chest is quite sensitive.  He shuttered when I took his nipple into my mouth.  Eventually I made my way down his stomach and was soon sucking dat pipe.  Something shot through my body when he took the back of my head, pushed it down and said, "Yeah......that's your dick babe." I tried to suck that shyt for points!

Before I knew it, Stephen had grabbed me and forced me around so that I was now on top of him in a 69.  He started sucking the shit out of my dick.  He moved back from my dick, to my balls, and eventually my ass.  Dat sexy nigga needs to have a copyright on the way he eats ass.  But I ain't no slouch either.  I opened his legs, threw them under my arms, and ate his shit like a nigga hadn't eaten in months.  Now we were both eating each other's ass.  Shit was fukkin hot.  I needed him, and I wasn't gonna wait.  "I need that dick now baby."

Stephen didn't play.  He didn't make me beg.  He didn't talk shit.  He got up, put on a condom and cock ring, ate my ass some more, lubed me up and slid that thick ass head in my hole.  It hurt like hell, but I needed it.  I knew it was only a matter of minutes before I would open up for him.  Stephen leaned over and kiss me on the back of my neck.  That's all I needed....hole let him in gently.  I bit my lip and moaned as he slid all dat shit in me.  I don't know what came over me, but I started backin up on his shit, taking him in.  I was so fuckin overcome with a desperation to have him, that I became the aggressor.  Usually not the case.  I layed that nigga on his back and mounted the dick.  I rode Stephen until I couldn't take it anymore.  With his shit up in me, and my shit rubbing on his stomach, I lost it.  Busted all over his chest without even touching my dick.  After I collapsed on top of him, Stephen pulled out, ripped off the condom, and nutted all over my back.

We laid there for a while until it was time for me to go.  I had a plane to catch.  I won't see him again until after Christmas.  But dayum!!!  What a gift.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Check Out Chronicles of a Downlow Brotha....

Every now and then, I come across a blog that I decide to follow.  I lock them in for a number of reasons.  Some are just fukkin hot!  Whether it's the pics or the stories, those blogs give me an erection that is harder than AP Biology.  Other writers have kept my interest with various stories about their thoughts, lives, families....personal things that I can often relate to......or not.  Rarely do I find a writer that almost makes me feel as if he has been in my home, or walking with me through my daily issues.  I wonder how the fuck he was able to pen some of the very issues, situations, crazy shit that I live da regular.

Having said that, I want to do something I've never done.  Why not?  A brutha helped me out.  Many of you found my blog because of the recommendation of Immanuel (Downlow Confessions), who is no longer writing.  Others just stumbled upon it.  Either way, I love being part of a community that embraces me regardless of how fucked up my life can get.

So, one more time, I want to recommend a blog that I have fallen in love with, Chronicles of a Downlow Brotha (www.chroniclesofdownlowbrotha.blogspot.com).  The writer goes by the name of Caesar's Rain.  His writing is refreshingly honest, and passionate.  I always look forward to his posts.  His blog has it all, intense eroticism, political or spiritual views, personal thoughts and concerns, and most important.......muufukkin subject verb agreement.  Check it out.  When you get there, let em know Cold Phoenix sent you. I'm sure you'll be pleased.  I am.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Been A MInute.....

This time of year is particularly busy for most folks. I know for me, it's crunch time. The church is in her festive mode. The job is pullin on a nigga as well (yeah.....da preacher gotta work side gigs.....I ain't Jamaican, but I likes dat paper). And with everything that had been goin on with my personal shit (kids, Gargamel, papa's death), it's just been a crazy time.

This depression doesn't help the situation either. Long nights, often unable to sleep. Crying fits for no reason. The need to take meds I never wanted to take, and the uncertainty as to whether I can go without them now. Losing an hour (or a day) of leave because I couldn't convince myself to roll out of the bed to go on with my life. Life is a bitch. But I know this......a nigga takes it one day at a time. Every time I look at my kids, I get life. Every time I preach a message and someone tells me they got blessed, I get life. And every time I roll a phatty and get fried.........well, I don't get life, but I sure as hell feel better for a few.

With all of that goin on, it had bee a few months since I had seen Stephen. Hell, he's a busy muufukka too. On his grind, makin dat paper. He's been on the road quite a bit. We talk often, checking on each other and talkin shit. That's what I love about him. Dunno what he does when we aren't in regular rotation. But dat nigga always makes me feel like he's all mine and I'm all his. I don't ask any questions, and neither does he. And at the end of the day, I don't really have a right to. I don't trip. I enjoy his company, and he mine.

Dat nigga made my day a couple of days ago when I told him he needed to stay da fukk still cuz I missed him. "What are you doing today?" DAYUM!! A nigga had to pause and think. I had talked shit about time and didn't know if I had any. "I'm free at 3pm" I told him. "Aiight. I'll go home between jobs and we can chill." I needed to hear that. Knowing that he would hold up some work to see me made me feel special and wanted. Been a minute. But I know whenever I talk to or see Stephen, that's what I'm going to get.....the feeling that I matter.

Anyway, I showed up at his crib, and there he was......waiting. "Wassup handsome". In that deep ass voice of his. We talked, caught up, laughed, kissed, and talked shit. I went through his kitchen. Dunno why. Nigga don't ever have shit but some damn protein and free weights in the damn refrigerator. Ole muscular bitch.

When I came back into the bedroom, Stephen had stripped and da dick was in the air being prepared.

Oh shit, I thought. It had been a minute. And actually, I thought maybe I might top today. After a bunch of kissing, feeling, grinding, dick suckin, and ass eatin, it was obvious that I had lost the top battle today. Shit was funny. From the extra swole in the head of his fat ass dick, I kinda knew I was gonna be the victim today.

Stephen flipped me over and did what he usually does. That nigga sucked my toes, and licked me from my calves all the way to the crack of my ass. He ate me out so fukkin good I thought I was gonna bitch out with some tears. Fuck that, I turned his ass over, attempting to give him the business. Didn't know if I could take it after such a long time. That nigga flipped me back over, spit in my ass, lubed his shit and mine, and said, "You think you're gonna not see me for a few months and I'm not gettin up in that ass?" Just as he said that, He slid the head of that pipe in me. I bit my lip and tried to hold on for the ride. It took a minute, but the familiarity that my body has with his started to remind me that I could do anything for him. Just as that feeling came over me, my ass opened up, and then........

Saturday, December 4, 2010

What da Fukk am I Doin?


Sometimes I wonder......"What da fukk am I doin???"



Here I am, dealing with all of the issues of life, good and bad. I am a professional with three children, a rigorous career, a family that is still dealing with the loss of a father, and a wife that drives a nigga absolutely crazy. I'm not sure why I have made some of the decisions that I have made. But I have come to the conclusion that my decisions definitely have an effect on my kids, and my presence is desperately desired by them.

My 12-year old son (my oldest) has started voicing his concern a bit more. But I've actually been surprised by his line of questioning. While I thought he would be asking questions about why Gargamel and I don't get along, he has taken a different approach. He's quite vocal about things that concern him.....Why is his body changing? Why is his voice getting deeper? Why can't he have coffee? Why won't his mom shut da fuck up??


Most of those questions I have an answer for....Puberty is causing your body to grow hair, your voice to get deep, and your nuts to sag. But that shit with your momz??? WHO DA FUCK KNOWS??

He consistently makes statements like, "There she goes again", "Can I go with you because she yells too much", or my all-time favorite, "Does mom always have a period?" That shyt blesses me!!

What's really interesting is that not too long ago (right around the time my papa died) he asked me to come back home. "Dad, I know you told me that adults don't always get along. And I know that you and mom don't like each other too much right now. But can you please come home? The more she stays mad with you, she takes it out on us."

WOW!!! That blew me. I knew it, but I don't know that I expected my son to point that shit out. Gargamel stays angry. Youngin was actually right. When she's pissed at me, the catch it. Yelling at them for no reason. Calling me names. Calling them names. Just a bunch of extra shit. Da bitch needs to smoke a J. But, I digress. He didn't have an issue with the new schedule or not seeing me every day. He was just stressing out over the fact that his mother is a fuckin maniac. So, without bad mouthin da bitch, I explained to him that Gargamel is going through a lot of stress and that adults can make mistakes too. And I moved da fuck back up in my house. I told her ass that "I'm comin back to the house because your kids are wondering what the fuck is wrong with you." So we're roommates. My kids are ecstatic, the house is quiet after they go to bed. I retreat to the basement and live my muthafukkin life. and until Obama fixes this economy, that's where I'm gon be.

So, as usual, a nigga is confused. I don't wanna be here. But my kids are happy with it. We don't argue in front of them anymore. I don't allow it. When her crack wears off, I walk away or go play with the kids, or suddenly remember a meeting that I had to go to. I do what I need to do to make sure that my kids experience a peaceful and loving environment, do my thing at the job, take my meds, and keep a good stash of green available. As far as Garg is concerned, I don't trip. I stay in my space and act like da bitch doesn't exist. Shit works for now.

May not be the best thing to do. Maybe I shouldn't have just come back for the youngins.....maybe I should have. Either way, they are my driving force right now. And at the end of the day, I miss those little greedy ass, noise makin, can't get along, pluckin my nerves muufukkas. They keep me goin.......at least til I figure out what da fukk I'm doin.