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Friday, October 7, 2011

Trapped With Her....Driven to Him, Fo Real....

I've spent the last couple of weeks trying to figure out how to jump back into these updates.  I wasn't sure how to bring you up to speed on where I've been, and what's been goin on.  Should I do a couple of entries that just sum all of my shit up in a couple of nutshells?  Do I go back and try to create moments that have passed and possibly lose some detail?  Finally, I decided, fuck it!  I've been gone a minute.  Now I'm back.  Just gonna do what I normally do.  Pick da fukk up from where I left off.  If niggas got questions, ya'll will mos def ask.  Buncha nosey bitches.


Over the past few months, I tried to reach out to Gargamel.  I decided that it was time to have some peace in my home.  I was tired of fightin with her silly ass, and the shit was wearing us all da fukk out.  My oldest son, at one point, asked me to try and work shit out with "mom" so I wouldn't have to leave.  That shit fukked me up.  Here I was ready to give Gargabitch the finger and roll, and my youngin is beggin me to stay.  I know there are about a million schools of thought on this marriage/separation/divorce shit.  Some say more harm is done to the kids when you stay and shit is fukked up.  All I know, is that my eldest is in a season where he feels like he needs me here.  So that shit was a no-brainer.

So I sat the bitch down and told her that I didn't want our family destroyed, and was willing to do what we needed to do to salvage shit.  Apologized for hurting her and making her feel like she wasn't my wife.  Laid that shit on thick.  I was tryin to do what I thought was right.  Even if my emotions had to eventually catch up to what I 'thought' might be the right thing, a nigga was tryin to take the high road.

That's just what the fukk I get for tryin to get along with her ass.  Because after a few short weeks of peace and civility in the house, we go back to the same shit.  I'm not blaming her for everything.  But I can't force a bitch to be happy.  I can't manipulate her mind so that she is pleased at least most of the time.  Most days she comes in lookin to start some shit.  And if I'm not here, she starts on the kids until I get here.  Da Fukk??  I've decided that one way or another, a nigga is gonna have some peace.  Not gonna be fighting everyday.  Not gonna continue to lose sleep.  Carl has me on some new meds that has my ass sleepy all the damn time.  I gotta take advantage of that shit. 

At the end of the day, I have decided to stay as long as I can take it, for my kids.  May not be the best decision, but it is the decision today.  May change tomorrow.  But for now, I will be civil towards Gargamel.  I'll check her ass when I have to.  But my youngins need me.  And you know what?  I fukkin need them.  They are all I have to look forward to each day. 



I still have to deal with the fact that I want a brutha to lay with (more often now).  Somehow, I will have to find a way to make all of this shit work, even though the preacher in me is screaming, "Nigga, What the fukk are you doin????"  Maybe one day the shit will get easier to handle.  Right now, I just take it a day at a time.  Not sure what tomorrow will look like.  But I know one thing.  This is my reality for now.  Today I choose to stay Trapped With Her....Driven to Him.

3 comments:

  1. That damn Gargamel is something else. As long as you are comfortable in your situation, that's all that matters. I've been on this new tip of doing what the hell I want too...so I feel you.

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  2. Best. Post. Ever. (I'll comment more when my laptop battery isn't trying to off itself).

    And yeah, I agree with Trey, so long as you're comfortable with it, that's what's important. And I always say, those kids are hella lucky to have a father like you <3

    --Cogito

    (glad to have ya back)

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