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Sunday, May 15, 2011

Enter Kwasi......My Ride or Die.....

I've come to the conclusion that true friends are really hard to come by, but when you find one, you gotta cherish that muufukka.  I have a friend, Kwasi, that falls right in that category.  Kwasi is my boi.  He is a brutha that is completely comfortable in his own skin.  Nigga is "out" and doesn't give a fuck about any opinion a nigga might have of him.  I admire that shit.  The great thing about Kwasi is this......I can be myself with him.  I don't have to pretend for him, like I do with church folk.  Hell, Kwasi doesn't even have a religious preference.  Kinda sad that a non-believer represents the safest place for me over Christians.  Another blog.  He doesn't judge me, even though I got a closet fulla danglin shit.  He just loves me like a brother.  Love that shit.  Nothin we can't talk about.  That's my ride or die.  I will fukk a nigga up over that brutha.

I decided to introduce Kwasi to you all because of all of the crazy shit that he and I go through together, or talk about, or laugh at.  There is so much that ya'll are missing out on, because I didn't know if I wanted to put all of our shit on blast.  I talked to that muufukka tonite.  He told me,  "Sure, why not?":  Well, if that's not enough......

That's my dude though.  Ole long, dread wearin muufukkin ass.  I'm so damn jealous of his hair, only cause my shit wont do that.  Kwasi wears that shit wit pride, knowing that his shit is da bomb. And a shit talker too.  Muufukka will talk shit all damn day.  That's what he does.  Will clown you, or get yo ass together, if not both.  My nigga.

I think you'll enjoy my adventures with Kwasi.  Nigga drinks like an alcoholic with fukkin dry mouth.  Can't get that bitch to smoke tho.  Workin on it.  Bitch told me one time, "Slim, if I get high with you, you gon have to give up some ass." Well DAYUM!!  What kind of proposition is that???  What da fukk do I get?  Not a dayum thing.  Kwasi is a top all day long.  But I tend to not bring sex into my close friendships.  I know this though,  Imma get that bitch high, and he ain't gonna fukk shit. 

Anyway, look for my crazy ass adventures, experiences, and conversations with Kwasi.  Shyt is sure to keep ya'll entertained.  Anyway, time to roll a J. 


Visit From the In-Laws....

My in-laws can be pretty cool.  They are cool folks.  Just like any people, they can get on a nigga's nerves too.  Gargamel got a lotta her bullshit from her mother, the constant whining and fussing, the grudge holding, the need to be the center of everyone's fuckin universe. Yeah.  Gargamel and Grangamel are  a lot alike.

Soooooo, they've been here a couple of days now.  Now major drama.  I'm just blown because Gargamel is really tryna play the whole "everything is great" role.  My thing is this....shouldn't you tell a nigga you tryna do that shit to see if he MIGHT feel like tryna help yo ass perpetrate a fukkin lie??  I'M JUST SAYIN.  I didn't know I was supposed to come upstairs to sleep for a few days.  Shit, my moms knows that my shit is fukked up.  But maybe that's because Gargamel acts like a stupid bitch around and towards my mom.  But I don't treat her parents funny just because she's a crazy bitch.  They didn't do anything to me, aside from passing down those mufukkin crazy ass character traits.  But oh well.

All I'm sayin is I didn't plan on puttin on a big ass production voluntarily.  The bitch shoulda talked to a nigga.  So when my father-in-law came downstairs to the man cave to act like he was goin to sleep, I gave him the "Bitch, what da fukk u want, and why u standin over my ass" look.  I pay the mortgage on this bitch.  Go back upstairs with yo crazy ass wife and leave me the fukk alone.  They have been here three days and I need to smoke.  This ain't the fukkin time to be questioning what the fukk I do.

Anyway, I couldn't take it anymore.  Had to walk the neighborhood trail and smoke a fatty.  I'm good now.


Monday, May 9, 2011

Crabs and Bitches.........Da Fukk??

So I tried to be nice for Mother's Day.  After all, Gargamel IS a crazy bitch, but she is the mother of my children.  And I just happen to believe that every mother, no matter how fucked up they are, should be honored and congratulated.  I mean, even if she is a silly bitch, she still pushed a muufukka out and got them here. 

My kids asked Gargamel what she wanted to do for dinner.  She wanted seafood.  Easy.  I picked up a bushel of crabs, some jumbo shrimp, calamari, and a case of Heineken light (a nigga tryna stay cute), and started cookin. 

Now it didn't occur to me until the first batch of crabs were cooked that I had purchased females.  UGGGGGHHH!!!  That's something I never do.  There are certain things about both genders of crab that make them stand out.  Males tend to be meatier (is that a word??).  Females, if your not careful, end up having a lot of extra shit in them.  For example, this batch had a lot of pregnant females.  That meant that they were full of this nasty lookin orange shit that got in the way as we were eating.

Now, I'm being nice, helping my kids celebrate Gargabitch.  We're eating crabs and enjoying the day.  I'm knockin back beer and a lil vodka (u know that's my shit), and all of a sudden, a nigga has a muufukkin crab epiphany..........Shit.....FEMALE CRABS AND BITCHES ARE THE SAME.

A couple of random ass thoughts came to my head that kinda fukked me up.

Upon first glance, the female crab has a nice appearance.  Nice color, thickness, and overall do bitches.

When you open up the female crab, you realize there is a lotta nasty shit you gotta get through to get to the meat........same with bitches.

The meat in female crabs is off the muufukkin chain.  So a nigga ends up committing to all the shit that she puts out in order to get that........DAYUM....same with bitches.

After eating the meat and realizing the the taste has been compromised because of all of her other shit, a nigga is now ready to throw the female crab to the middle of the table with all of the other fukked up ones.......bitches.

Finally, after lookin at the nigga across the table who is eatin the male crab, lickin his lips, enjoying the taste without all of the extra shit, gettin that meat without a bunch of extra shit, you end up wanting to start over and go get you one..........bitches are a bitch, ain't they?  Kinda funny.

***Ya'll know I just like using the word bitch in my writing voice.  Please don't trip or be offended.  Happy Mother's Day.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Random Thoughts From a High Ass Muufukka....


A nukka been out chillin wit my non-nigga side of da family.  Remember, I'm Puerto Rican.  So, we have been out all night with the Mexicans helpin them celebrate cinco de Mayo.  Now you know by now that I don't need a reason to have a drink.....breakfast, lunch, dinner, Easter, Christmas, Mother's Day...doesn't matter.  I went out for a few drinks here, and a few more drinks there.  A great night.

Now I should've known to leave shit alone.  But since I didn't know what kind of environment I was gonna walk into upon my arrival at home, I decided to smoke me a pre-rolled J from this mornin.  I had already rolled me one, not knowing how my students at the university would be acting this morning.  Turns out, I didn't need it until tonight. 

So I'm in the house and everyone i asleep, which is a good thing.  But upon my arrival, I noticed and thought about some shit that normally would not be on my mind.  Realizing that I am a Latin pothead, I am aware that I won't be thinkin bout this shit anymore, and I prolly need to take advantage of these newfound revelations.  So here goes:

Why do ugly muufuklkas get cute after midnight ( clearly cuz I'm high as shit)

Why does every fukkin pic in this house all of a suddin seem crooked?  Them bitches been up on dat wall for years.

Why did it take me so damn long to get three blocks to my fukkin house?

Anyway, high as shit.  Just, Nite.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Who Da Fukk Knew????

There is this fella I met a few years ago.....Kevin.  A few years older than me.  Somewhere in his mid to upper 40's.  Nice lookin brutha.  Not fine, but nice.  Not some ole soft lookin cute bitch-ass nigga.  A nigga might turn a few heads walkin down the street.  Sorta reminds me of Ty Lawson from the Denver Nuggets.  Well groomed, sharp, professional as a muufukka.  Madd swag, but not arrogant.  An all around nice kinda dude. 

We met at a mutual friend's birthday party.  Of course, I brought some vodka and some green.  A hospitable muufukka.  Kevin seemed to be really excited about smokin.  Naturally, I shared.  After that night, we ended up staying in touch.  Every now and then we would run into each other.  We lived about 10 minutes apart.  We would always see one another in the mall, different restaurants, happy hours, and the occasional party of mutual friends.  Kevin's situation mirrors mine.  I often wonder if that's why we clicked.  He's got a couple of kids...daughters.  He's always running to a recital or dance lesson, or some shit.  And just as luck would have it, that nigga is married to a crazy bitch too....India.  She reminds me of the lil evil, skinny bitch on "The Emperor's New Groove".  UH........Yzma.  That's it!!!  That's da bitch.

Keith is always runnin home to deal with her crazy ass, or upset because of something she did.  You know I know all of that shyt tooo fukkin well.

Anyway, that nigga called me up out of the blue a few days ago.  Just a random call, as if we spoke on a regular basis.  Of course, it was no big deal, just interesting.  After a bit of small talk, and Kevin apologizing for not keeping in touch (an unnecessary gesture), he asked, "Ayo, you got a good connect?  My dude ain't on point like he used to be.  And I'm all outta green." Shit.  That was easy.  I gave him the cell phone number to one of my boiz and told him to mention my name.  Kevin thanked me and we agreed to talk again soon.

Well soon was muufukkin tonight.  That nigga called me around 530, as I was about to walk into my favorite lil bar and get my pre-6pm buzz.  "Nigga, I got some good shit from your boy.  Meet me at my crib and let's put one in the air.  The least I can do." I am not mentally prepared to turn down some free shit, especially when I know it's da shyt.  I was on the way.

I pulled up to Kevin's spot.  No kids were there and Yzma, the evil bitch, was nowhere to be found.  Kevin answered the door, dapped me up and then told me that the wife and girls were outta town for some cheerleading competition.  We walked around back (nigga has a small guest house in the back....prolly got a stupid ass mother-in-law too-- we both must have taken the same class: 'Marrying Into A Stoopid Ass Family 201), and chilled in the guest house.  Kevin broke out the green and some vodka.  He asked me to roll a couple of Js.  No prob.  As I'm rollin and he's pouring, he starts asking questions.

"Nigga, you and your wife are strugglin right?  What are you doin for sex?" I wasn't really ready to discuss my shit live with a nigga.  The blog is different.  Kevin is shootin off all kinds of questions, and I'm rollin and drinkin, tryna block his silly ass out.  Just as I get the nerve up to tell him that I'm not really comfortable discussing my shit, this nigga says, "I'm just wonderin.....since we both got families, fucked up marriages, and prolly both steppin out on the wives, can we just kick it every now and then?"


I'm thinkin this nigga wants to get drinks, hit the strip clubs, or smoke every now and then.  So my immediate answer is, "Nigga yeah.  Whenever.  It's all good."   Just then, THIS muufukka says, "Good, cause I been wanting to give you some ass since we met." Dropped to his knees and started undoin my shit.  Pulled it out, and was giving me some sloppy top that woulda made Renee jealous.  I was too shocked to stop him.  And I really didn't want to. Ty Lawson was gettin more and more fine as he slobbed all over my shit.

This nigga sucked my dick for about 15 minutes or so, while I smoked the first J.  That shit must have done something for him.  Because the moment I put down the J, Kevin stood up, pulled down his pants and took his shirt off and said, "Nigga dig my back out."

And that's just what the fuck I did.  I rolled on a condom, grabbed onto his lil waist, spit right on the hole, and slid my shit up in the ass.  He wasn't able to take all the dick.  My shit is not the longest, but dat thing is thick as shit.  When I saw that Kevin couldn't take all the dick, I eased up.  This nigga looked back at me and said, "Nigga, punish this ass for not keepin in touch with you, then make the shit yours.  Comon nigga!" That's all I needed to hear.  I tried my best to write my entire LATIN name up in that ass.  This nigga yelled, but kept talkin shit.  Loved it.  When I told him I was gonna bust, he turned around, and dropped to his knees, and took that nutt in his mouth.  BLOWN....

Needless to say......Kevin and I are gonna be hangin more often.  Who Da Fukk Knew????